Memo to all students. In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) ---------- Strange things from an island 1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR:: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garmentshere for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. ---------- WRITE IN C (sung to The Beatles "Let it Be") When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers" "Write in C." Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C. LISP is dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C. Only wimps use BASIC. Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. Guitar Solo Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. Don't even mention COBOL. Write in C. And when the screen is fuzzy, And the editor is bugging me. I'm sick of ones and zeroes. Write in C. A thousand people people swear that T.P. Seven is the one for me. I hate the word PROCEDURE, Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. PL1 is 80's, Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. The government loves ADA, Write in C. ---------- How many "New Kids on the Block" does it take to paint a wall red? Only one if you throw it hard enough. How many fratboys does it take to wallpaper a room? That depends on how thinly you slice them. How many goths does it take to make cheesecake? None, there are no goths in cheesecake. Old goths don't die, they just need less makeup. How do you get a goth out of a tree? Cut the rope! Theres a goth walking down the road with a rat on his shoulder. An old lady walks past, stops, stares at the two and says "Yeuk! What are you doing with that revolting creature?" "Squeak squeak squeak!" says the rat. ---------- At a local college, there was a dance.. this guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, 'In America, we call this a hug'.... She says, 'yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.' A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, 'In America, we call this a kiss'.... She says, 'Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.' A long time later, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, andproceeds to bop her, and says, 'In America, we call this a grass sandwich'... She says, 'Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but...we usually put more meat in It.' ---------- Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - *poof* - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - *poof* The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - *poof* The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." - - - *poof* >> ---------- What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. . . . the other is used to carry groceries. ---------- An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies." ---------- HOLY BLOOPERS (Actually appearing in various church bulletins) 1. Don't let worry kill you; let the church help. 2. Potluck supper Thursday night. Player and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of the church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be meetings in the South and North end of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be a meeting of The Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the pastor in his study. 8. The Ladies' Liturgy will meet Wednesday. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early. 10. This being Easter Sunday, Mrs. Lewis will come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Sunday Services: 9 AM and 11 AM - Jesus Walks on the Water 7 PM - Looking for Jesus 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. 14. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.Music will follow. 16. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ---------- Lord Russell of Killowen (1832-1900), The Lord Chief Justice, was once asked by a lady what was the maximum penalty for bigamy. He replied, "Two mothers-in-law." ---------- Letters to God From Children Dear God. Are you really invisible or is that just a trick -Lucy > > > Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident. -Norma > > > Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil > > > Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny > > > Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. -Marsha > > > Dear God, If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. -Mickey D. > > > Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna > > > Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. -Eugene ---------- Actual Phone Answering Machine Messages: * A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. * Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. * (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. * Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. * Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. ---------- YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH OF THE U.S.A. IF... You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table..in front of her kids. You've got more than one brother named 'Junior.' You go to your family reunion looking for a date. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. ---------- 3 Soldiers Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town. The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land. The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened. The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "NOW we'll see this land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened. After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked. "Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came out from no where." The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's the matter, Son?" "Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head." The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the grenade," said one soldier. "Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am...what's so funny?" The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up. ---------- Cojones A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon." At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these." "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time." ---------- HOW TO BATHE A CAT 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, A DOG OWNER ---------- A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from ,fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!" ---------- MARIAGE Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire" My Wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we met. ---------- Women Bashing Jokes Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? 1.No mind. 2.No business. ---------- Men Bashing Jokes How is an ex-husband like an inflamed Appendix? It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals." ---------- Day Care The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?" "A horsy." one child answered. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy." replied another youngster. "And now this one?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence."Come now children" she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" said one little girl. "It's a horny bastard." ---------- REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF MY KIDS HAVE TAUGHT ME 1. It's more fun to color outside the lines. 2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch. 3. Ask why until you understand. 4. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog. 5. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying. 6. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse. 7. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose. 8. Just keep banging until someone opens the door. 9. Making your bed is a waste of time. 10. There is no good reason why clothes have to match. 11. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either. 12. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it. ---------- Tampons for my wife A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure, she too can roll her own." ---------- Elizabeth There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?" "My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied. The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you." The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?" "My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth." ---------- Pain Transference A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. However, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch. ---------- Helpful Salesgirl "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties." ---------- Laws of cat physics 1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 2 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 3 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it. 4 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 5 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 6 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 7 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. ---------- Dinner Party Conversation Two strangers, a man and woman are seated at a dinner party together. The man turns to the woman and says, I've got a hypothetical question for you miss. The woman, curious, says "O.K. shoot." The man says "If a man were to offer you one million dollars to sleep with him, would you do it?" The woman thinks for a moment and finally answers "I guess I would....for a million dollars." The man smiles and says "Then will you sleep with me for thirty-five dollars?" The woman, with a shocked expression on her face, stands and screams at the man "Of course I won't. What do you think I am!" To which the man replies, "We've already determined WHAT you are, now we're just working out a price." ---------- A family goes in the car and a police stop them for and alcohol test. The father blows and 2.6 (the limit here is 0.6) The police officer said I've got to fine you because of that rate.... The man said:That's impposible I don' t drink anything,it has to be the aparatus,it's broken,make the test to my wife. The wife blows and 3.2. The man said it's the aparatus you see.... Then the officer said to the kid Come on boy blow here;and 2.8 so the policeman apologizes to the family and they continue and the man say to his wife Good idea Mary to give the kid three glasses of wiskey before leaving the party. ---------- Halloween Party Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" ---------- Collegiate Canine A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." ...And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' " The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" ---------- Q. What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? A. White fairy tales start, "Once upon a time....." Black fairy tales start "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....." ---------- The stupidest kid on the block A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk. The barber whispered, "That's Martin, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you." "Hey Martin! Come here!" yelled the barber. Martin came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Martin he could keep the one of his choice. Martin looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you." After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Martin and asked him why he chose the dime. Martin looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over." ---------- Excited at his return One day Little Johnny was playing in his room when his Dad came up to talk to him. Johnny's Dad explained to Johnny that he and Mommy were getting a divorce. "Why Daddy, why?" Johnny asked, confused. "Well," explained Johnny's Dad, "Your mother and I are no longer in love." Even more confused, Johnny asks, "What does being in love mean?" "Well Johnny," replied Dad, "let me give you an example. A Father is coming home from work, and his wife is as anxious and excited to meet him as he is when he gets home. So they both embrace and kiss at the door, right when they meet. That's love, but Mommy and me have lost that." "But Daddy, I see mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home," Explained Johnny, "That means she must still be in love with you." "I don't understand Johnny," asked Johnny's Dad, "Mommy gets excited?" "Well, sometimes when Mommys still sleeping in the bed with the postman and you pull in to the driveway, I can hear her wake up and shout at the top of her lungs, 'Oh my god, my husband's home! My husband's home!" ---------- Jesus is watching Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus." ---------- Washroom A guy finishes using the men's room but walks out without washing his hands so another man seeing this says, "At Harvard they taught us to wash our hands after using the urinals." So, the first man replies, "At Yale they taught us not to piss on our hands." ---------- Amish Elevator An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother". ---------- Dear John A woman was missing her boyfriend, and decided to write him the following brief letter:- Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery. ---------- The Code Word There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week." ---------- A guy sees another guy playing poker with his dog, so he walks up to him and says, "Wow you got a clever dog, it can play cards!" Says the other guy, "No it's a stupid dog, it always wags its tail when it has good cards." ---------- Under the stars Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some bastard has stolen our tent." ---------- All In Good Time A man is talking to the Lord, trying to understand his eternal nature. "Lord," he asked, "What's a million of years to You?" "A million of years is but a second to me," the Lord explains. "And a million dollars?" "A penny," the Lord replies. The man feels bold and now proceeds to ask, "Lord, would You give me one of your pennies?" "Sure," the Lord replies, "just a second." ---------- Baby Kitten A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom. ---------- SOME REALLY COOL ANAGRAMS... Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Mother-in-law Woman Hitler The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place Eleven plus two Twelve plus one ---------- Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival: "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Rich Jeni "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." Franck Dubosc "You and me babe ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" - Bloodhound Gang ---------- Three Bikers A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles." ---------- Engineer In Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God replies "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" ---------- Speeding Motorist A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit, In his rear view mirror, he noticed a police car with its red lights on and he thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway-- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says: "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."The man thought for a moment and said: "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought: 'He's trying to give her back!" ---------- Blowjob and a Coffee The Pilot of the plane has just finished his announcements about how high the plane is etc. He forgets to turn off the intercom system and says to his co-pilot "right about now I could really use a good blow job and a cup of coffee." The whole plane hears it and a stewardess rushes from the back of the plane to tell the pilot the intercom is still on. As she rushes by, one of the passengers says "Don't forget the coffee" ---------- THE WISDOM OF KIDS: * "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10 * "When your dad is angry and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' - don't answer." Hannah, age 9 * "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9 * "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13 * "Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, 8 ---------- Let Down by God A farmer is in Iowa during a flood. The river is overflowing, with water surrounding the farmer's home up to his front porch. As he is standing there, a boat comes up, The man in the boat says " jump in I'll take you to safety". The farmer crosses his arms and says stubbornly, "Nope, I put my trust in God". The boat goes away. The water rises to the second floor. Another boat comes up, the man says to the farmer who is now in the second story window, "Jump in, I'll save you" The farmer again says, "Nope, I put my trust in God" The boat goes away. Now the water is up to the roof. As The farmer stands on the roof, a helicopter comes over, and drops a ladder. The pilot yells down to the farmer "I'll save you, climb the ladder." The farmer says "Nope, I put my trust in God" The helicopter goes away. The water continues to rise and sweeps the farmer off the roof. He drowns. The farmer goes to heaven. God sees him and says "What are you doing here?" The farmer says "I put my trust in you and you let me down." God says, "What do you mean, let you down? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!!!" ---------- Declaration of Independence A teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damned if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, hell, you darn well better admit it!" ---------- Late Night At The Asylum Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!" ---------- Real Advertisements 1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 3. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 4. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale. 5. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 6. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 7. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 8. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first. 9. Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. 10. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. ---------- Dead Politicians A bus full of Politicians travelling very fast while rounding a curve in a rural area, left the roadway and plowed into a field. In the field was a farmer hard at work. When the police arrived sometime later the field was being smoothed out by the farmer. "Where is everyone?" asked the cop. "Buried them." answered the farmer "Were they all dead?" "Well some said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie." ---------- An (old) man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you." ---------- A Letter From Mother Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon. Love, Mom P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed. ---------- Where's The Love Gone ? A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices that the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway. This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years. Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?" Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved." ---------- Retiring Generals The pentagon recently found that they had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annual benefits, PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body which he chose. (something Congress came up with!) The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a cheque for $720,000.00. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstreched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.00. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to my balls." The pension man said that he had better get the Medical Officer to de the measuring. The Medical Officer asked the General to drop 'em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your balls?" The general replied, "in Vietnam." ---------- Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the lectrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' his second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.' Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.' ---------- The Dark Closet A rather sexually unsatisfied wife decides to get hers with another man while her husband is away at work. Each day, when the husband leaves for the office, she invites the man over and they fuck like wild animals. Whenever her man friend is over, she tells her child that he must stay in the closet. One night, while fucking like wild weasels, a pair of headlights show up in the driveway. The woman gasps, "Oh, no! My husband! Quick, hide in the closet!" The man, not eager to be caught in the act, obliges and hides in the closet with her son. "Gee, sure is dark in here," the boy says when the man comes in. The man agrees that it is quite dark and stands there quietly. "Want to buy a baseball?" the kid asks. The man informs him that no, he doesn't want to buy a baseball. "No, I really think you want to buy this baseball..." The man is no idiot and realises he's being blackmailed by a nine year old, so he asks, "All right, kid, how much?" The kid hands the man the baseball and says, "That'll be twenty dollars." Grudgingly, the man pays. On another occasion of fucking like wild animals, those headlights appear in the driveway again. The woman panics, urging the man into the closet with her son again. "Gee, sure is dark in here," the kid says. The man agrees once more that yes, it is very dark inside the closet. "How about a glove to go with that baseball?" the kid asks. After a few moments of thought, the man realises he's being blackmailed again and asks, "All right, how much this time?" The kid deposits said glove in the man's hand and says, "That'll be fifty bucks." Again, the man pays. A few days later, the husband approaches the boy and says, "Hey, let's play some catch, hm?" The kid shakes his head and says, "I can't, dad, I sold my ball and glove?" The father gets angry at this and demands, "You did WHAT!? How much did you sell them for?" The kid shrugs and replies, "Seventy bucks." The father's face is practically red with rage right now and he yells, "You get your sorry little ass down to confession right this instant and tell your sins before God!" The kid shrugs again, and off to confession he goes. "Gee, sure is dark in here," the kid says, once in the confession booth. From the other side of the booth, the priest replies, "All right, kid, don't start that shit with me now..." ---------- Little Johnny Math Question Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" "That's what I said!" ---------- MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS - If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. - I am having an out of money experience. - I am in shape. Round is a shape. - Insanity is hereditary... You get it from your kids. - You're never too old to learn... Especially if you have altzheimers. - Anything free is worth what you pay for it. - I do weight-lifting every morning - Getting out of bed! ---------- Adam And Eve Adam: "I feel so lonely. What should I do?" God: "No problem. I could give you a wonderful girl, sexy, nice, lovely...a dream!" Adam: "Sounds good...eh, what does she cost?" God: "...mhmm, your right arm... okay?" Adam: "That's expensive! ..Okay, what can I get for a rib?" ---------- Definitions... Little Johnny (he gets about, this lad) hears kids in the playground calling each other "Bitch" and "Pussy", so he goes home and asks his mother what the words mean. Thinking quickly, she shows him a picture of a cat. "That's a pussy." she says. Then, she shows him a picture of a dog, "That's a bitch" she tells him. Not satisfied, Johnny asks his father the same question. After checking his wife's not around, he shows Johnny a porno pic of a naked woman. Circling the vaginal area, he says "That, son, is a pussy." "But what's a bitch?" asks Johnny. "Everything outside the circle" ---------- ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS: As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather ... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. ---------- Angry Airline Passenger During the day at a busy airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." ---------- "YOU MIGHT BE IN A TEXAS COUNTRY CHURCH IF......." 1. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service. 2. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday. 3. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin. 4. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable. 5. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring about your health. 6. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there. ---------- Meeting Her parents A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realised he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!" ---------- Electrical Present A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?" ---------- Senile Old Men's Check-Up Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday." ---------- Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. DNA = National Dyslexic Association "Since I've given up food, I can really taste my cigarettes." MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers B Babe I In T Total C Control of H Herself ---------- I Know The Whole Truth At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug." ---------- Nothing To Eat For Three Days One day a housewife opened her front door and found an old man eating the grass in the garden "you can't do that" she said. "Madame I have not eaten for three days" "Come in the house" she said and took him right through to the kitchen, then she opened the door and said "Look the grass is longer out here in the back. --------- Double Funeral One autumn day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?" "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well." Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." ---------- The three stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus ---------- How Jesus got his name The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. It's sounds MUCH better than Eric!" ---------- Understanding Men and Women (fwd) 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. ---------- Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names. Bu called himself "Buck" Chu called himself "Chuck" and Fu had to go back to China. --------- Driving The Wrong Way As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" --------- Note on the windscreen A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he read it. On the paper is written: As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company. But I'm not. ---------- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. Just before takeoff on a commercial flight, a stewardess asked Muhammad Ali to make sure his seat belt was fastened. "Superman don't need no seat belt," he protested. She answered: "Superman don't need no airplane either." He fastened it. ---------- If it weren't for MY money A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here either." ---------- * Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. * Buy a Pentium III/800, so you can reboot faster. * Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones. * Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! * Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... * If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. * "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 * Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. --HERB GARDNER ---------- > Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English > language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, > just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In > language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used > as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive Mary was > fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a > passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is > fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It > can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an > interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used > as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, > there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". > > Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to > describe many situations: > > 1. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." > 2. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" > 3. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." > 4. Aggression "FUCK YOU!" > 5. Disgust "Fuck me." > 6. Confusion "What the fuck.......?" > 7. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!" > 8. Despair "Fucked again..." > 9. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." > 10. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" > 11. Lost "Where the fuck are we." > 12. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" > 13. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" > 14. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." > 15. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." > 16. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" > 17. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" > 18. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" > 19. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." > 20. Directions "Fuck off." > 21. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?" > > It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole." > It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty." > It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" > It can be maternal- "Motherfucker." > It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!" > > It has also been used by many notable people throughout history: > "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima > "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer > "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic -- Cerberus -- Guarding The Gates To Hades -- ---------- Y2K Compliant Windows 2000 Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new Y2K compliant operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of the year 1901. ---------- 5 Men / 1 Woman A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Six people (5 men and 1 woman) survive by using a raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely; and extremely horny. They all come to an agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week. The first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting their needs filled. This goes on for two years and everyone is happy with the plan...Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets a great variety of delight. A few weeks into the third year, the woman suddenly dies. Needless to say, the first week is pretty bad; the second week is worse; the third week is nearly unbearable; the fourth week things are just awful. The fifth week is bad beyond words. In fact it's getting so bad that on the sixth week...... They bury her. ---------- A guy is driving through a residential neighborhood. He comes to a stop sign, sees there is no traffic in sight, and does an "Arkansas rolling stop." As he moves into the intersection, however, he sees a police car in the cross street. Sure enough, the cop pulls out behind him and turns on his lights. The guy pulls over. The cop walks up and says, "Out of the car, please." Not wishing to get in any more trouble, the guy gets out. The cop stares him up and down and asks, "Did you see that stop sign back there?" "Yes, sir, I did, but I didn't see any traffic." The cop pulls out his ticket book. "You failed to stop." "I know, but there was nobody coming." "You are required to stop at a stop sign. You never know who or what might be approaching on the cross street. You could have run down a child on a bicycle." "I'm sorry. I didn't think it would matter. Besides, I slowed down." The cop whips out his nightstick and starts beating the guy over the head. He yells, "Now, do you want me to slow down, or do you want me to STOP?!" --------- Shove the phone, Operator An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party." She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Vy?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here." He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!" ---------- Bill clinton in heaven Bill Clinton died and went to heaven (or to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates.) After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." ---------- 30 Year Old Whisky A guy orders 30yr old whisky the bartender figures he aint gonna tell the difference gives him 10yr old scotch. man tries it, spits it out "this is ten year old whisky! i said i want thirty." The bartender tries 20 year whisky. The same thing happens. The man patron says "If you don't give me what i ask for i'll go some where else." The bartender says ok. Just then, up walks a drunk. "Say mister, take a drink of this" handing him a shot glass. The man tastes it, then spits it out. "That taste like piss!!" "It is" replies the drunk "I just wanted to know if you could tell me how old i'am." ---------- Gambling in Las Vegas ===================== A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home Arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. 'You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!' he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, 'I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.' The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, 'He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first.' ---------- A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..." ---------- Legal to kill A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell hiss wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but the lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gunshots, a scream, some loud thumps, and, finally, two splashes. The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks: 'Did you kill them?' 'Yes,' she replies. The lawyer questions her again:'What did you do with the bodies?' 'I threw them in the pool,' she responds. There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her: 'Did you say the pool?' 'Yes, I threw them in the pool!' she says. There's another brief pause. 'Uh,' says the lawyer eventually, 'is this 555-4234?' ---------- A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. ---------- Oh to be full of innocence again. The following are (supposedly) quotes from 11 year olds' science exams: - When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. - H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. - To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. - When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. - Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state. - Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - Blood flows down one leg and up the other. - Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. - The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader. - Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. - Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. - The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u. - The alimnetary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. - The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. - A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. - Germinate: To become a naturalised German. - Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. - Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. - Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. - Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. - For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. - For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. - To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. ---------- Double Charges A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking." ---------- LETS PLAY ASYLUM HI-JACK A PLANE AND WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE Good moring and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM. Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: HI-Jack an airliner and win a council house. We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponser the British taxpayer. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don't hold a valid British passport. You only need one word of english: ASYLUM. Prizes include all-expenses paid accomodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and a accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.No application ever refused reasonable or un-reasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your paper and remember the magic password: ASYLUM. Only this week 140 members of the Taliban familly from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at stanstead where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fastrack them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations include the White Cliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Services area in Historic Bedforshire and the money trees at croydon. If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers social workers and counsellors are waiting to help, it won't cost you a penny. So play today. It could change your life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-pinochet activists, anti-pinochet activists, kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerillas. COME ON DOWN Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France. Go Straight to Britain. And you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth. Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends. Everyone's a winner, when they play ASYLUM. ---------- Things *NOT* to say when pulled over by the police ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. - Sorry, Officer, I didn't realise my radar detector wasn't plugged in. - Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! - I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. - I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. - Bad cop! No donut! - Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's? - I pay your salary! - Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! - I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are. - Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. - Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. - What exactly is "legally drunk"? - So, what's a good bribe go for around here? - Do you know where I can buy a good radar detector? - If you think this car's fast wait until you see my corvette! - Can you just put that ticket in the large box in the back seat with the rest of my tickets? - Can you hurry up your wife is expecting me - Can you hurry up the liquor store closes in five min. ---------- Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said she'd like to buy them, adding, "but only if you can embroider `If you can read this, you're too close.' on the back." So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the rather unusual request. The tailor said, "Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?" Since the saleswoman didn't know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, "do you want that in block letters or script?" The customer replied, with a smile, "Braille." ---------- The Final Exam ============== It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet." Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room. ---------- The Healthy Way? ================ A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. Sternly the wife remarks, "So what do you have to say about this experiment?" Coolly the husband replies, "If I drink whiskey I won't get worms!" ---------- They've Stolen The Dashboard ============================ A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." ---------- Balls A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure had. There was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." ---------- THREE WISHES Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better." The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in the world. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." ---------- The Chauffeur ============= One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for once." The driver thinks to him self, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over." The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute." The Pope says, "sure" The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important." They ask who, "The President?." "No more important." "The president of another country." "No more important." "An ambassador." "No even more important." "Well who is it." "I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur." ---------- Which Way ? My friends were travelling through New England to see the pretty trees one fall, and they came to a fork in the road. The sign said that both forks led to Poughkeepsie but each one was the same distance. So they stopped at a gas station and asked a grizzled old New Englander, "Does it matter which road we take to Poughkeepsie?" He looked at them and replied, "Not to me, it doesn't." ---------- Understanding the Lingo at work ------------------------------- Employer's Lingo: "COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. ---------- Ali G's Driving Tips -------------------- "I as been driving since I was 12, but recently me desided to get a real driving lisence. However, when I went for a lesson, this ponce sat in me car and tried to make me drive like a batty man. Don't worrie, I gave im a one inch punch like Bruse Lee, but because of this, I as decided to pass on me driving knowlage to all ya massive for free. Read through me tips and than you is ready for even long trips (like down to McDonnalds). Wicked". Ali G's Driving Tips Tip 1 - Make sure your car is safe You is gonna lose marks if ya car is a wreck. May I suggest you get an MOT first (Me mate Dave will sell ya one for £20 - Just tell 'im Ali said). Also, make sure all 8 of ya speakers is workin' at there best be carefull that the clutch pedel don't damage that 20" bass bin). Tinted windows and UV lights may also win you marks wid the instructer. Tip 2 - Make sure its safe for you to drive Its a well known fact that if you is a woman (thats 1 in 2 people in the UK), you will not be able to drive. Batty men shouldn't drive either. Tip 3 - Drinking and Driving You should never drink drive (not even if its rainin'). You could 'it a bump an' spill ya drink - Aye. No, me is messin', don't do it. Tip 4 - Listen for your Instructer If you can hear your instructer shouting at you, then your music aint loud enough you is probably listening to the wrong music, may I suggest Drum and Bass or Rap. Tip 5 - Use the proper equipment When your instructer asks you to start the car, remember that you is supposed to use the proper key, not a screwdriver. Tip 6 - Changing Gears This is an important part of drivin' and I hope you is payin' attention. There are two main gears you will use, thats 4 and 5. I suggest using 5th in residental areas, and 4th if you is driving on a field or somthin'. Tip 7 - Breaking and Corners Breaking and corners 'ave alot in common. You need to be usin' the handbreak for both. Tip 8 - Correct Signaling Remember that the horn and headlights aint just for gettin' the attention of that bitch wid the short skirt. They is best used to cuss at other drivers if they is goin' too slow (ie 90 mph). Tip 9 - Advanced warning signs and Speed limits I aint sure what these things are. You can make about £30 stealing them though. AYE! Tip 10 - Dat's it, you is now a safe driver. You will be able to spend hours sat in the carpark at MFI wid da Drum and Bass pumpin out. Wicked! ---------- Not Himself =========== A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. "The defendant smiled." With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. ---------- Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue." ---------- Small Hotel Room They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, no fan," she complained. "But, Madam!" "Don't `But, Madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!" ---------- God created lesbians, So that feminists wouldn't breed. Henrik Bengtsson-san knows Karate, Judo, Kung Fu, and several other Japanese words. ---------- A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, " Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!" The husband says, "Ohmigod! What should I pack -- beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter... just get out!" ---------- These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place: Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere ---------- What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant. Why do blondes use correction fluid on their computer screens? They couldn't find their eraser. What do you get when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicap zone. What does a blonde say when she gives birth? Gee, Are you sure it's mine? If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? Her IQ goes up! How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff. Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. She then said aloud "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me in the face!!!" ---------- "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo Inc. 1989 ---------- Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun. x x x x x The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less... x x x x x "If it has done nothing else for humanity, email has given us another medium to write suicide notes in. An effective method of communication, albeit a less dramatic medium than a letter scrawled in one's own blood." -Lucy Sherriff, The Register x x x x x "We hope our readers won't lose too much sleep as they contemplate their credit-card details and innermost thoughts whizzing through routers and sitting behind firewalls with such password protection as admin/1234. Sweet dreams." -The Register x x x x x "The reason attempted suicide is illegal: The government can't tax you if you're dead." - Unknown. x x x x x "The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety lables off of everything and let the problem solve itself?" - Unknown. ----------